Grey Eagle - Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Arion woke, feeling again the confusion of limbo. He was sleeping more, for time passed more readily asleep. Or at least it seemed to. Besides, the emptiness of the room made him sleepy. Though his dreams were troubled, they were easier to bear than his thoughts.

They hadn't simply killed him, but they must have given up questioning him or they'd have been back by now. So what were they waiting for? Gruesome scenarios plagued him, images of sportsmen and venatic feasts...

Yavin came, and Arion tried to eat slowly, to let the diversion last. Chunked Hereford, tubers, biscuits and a fruit. And a glass of water. Bland and boring. Still, being fed - What? Once a day? - he couldn't afford to be finicky. Especially if they were local days.

He gave thanks, apologized for his lack of sincerity, and ate. At least it was balanced, he noted, an unexpected consideration from venats. On the other hand, nothing around here seemed to be what he expected. He shook his head, troubled by the haphazard ambiguity of his thoughts.

He found himself fascinated by Yavin. Though the reality of what he was frightened and sickened him, he wanted desperately to get through to him, to somehow communicate. He had botched things terribly, and he wanted now to make up for it, but didn't know how. He didn't know if it was even possible. Then too, Yavin might have forgotten the incident already.

He had met several sapient species other than humans, but they had a recognition in their eyes that was completely missing in Yavin. Even the venators, without souls, had more spark than Yavin.

What, if anything, did he have? Intelligence, yes, but withdrawn and autistic. The only acknowledgment he had received in all this time was the intense annoyance when he had attacked. Even a dog responded better.

Was it only the venators' ability to speak, then, that made them seem so similar to souled sapients? Which brought his thoughts to Tomlik again. But his anger was too deep, too painful to face in the excruciating blankness of the room. He thought of Ky, remembering the presence in his eyes. He was younger than Yavin; had Yavin lost what Ky had, or had he never possessed it in the first place?

He sighed, washed his face and finished up. He pushed the tray within reach, hanging back with a smile to show his good intentions. Yavin didn't notice, simply retrieved the tray and left. Arion curled up, trying to sleep, but found it difficult now. He sat up and gazed at the empty doorway for a long time...

He sat, bleak and forlorn. The corned panic had been numbed to extinction, but the suffocation had increased, becoming permanently ingrained. He dreaded what was to come, whatever it was, but waiting and not knowing were beginning to wear on him. Unable to think of a way out, his fate seemed inevitable.

Reaching Yavin would obviously take too long, if it were even possible. But the walls were solid, the electrofield real. He considered jumping through the door anyway, on the chance that he could regain consciousness before anyone discovered him. Even so, however, he would need a place to go...

His thoughts collapsed in despair, old, guarded memories breaking through. Against his will he recalled the hunting raids he had endured as a child; now like then, he would find no safety outside, but this time they wouldn't be leaving. This time the smothering, intolerable hole would be found.

The panic returned, rising to choke him, his whole body trembling. He clenched his teeth, spurring control with sharp stabs of shame, but reason refused him. He would tolerate this coffin no longer. If the venats would not come to him, he would go to them. He put on his jacket and dashed through the door.

He woke with a moan, depression accompanying a vicious headache. His muscles were horribly stiff and sore from lying on the floor and his belly was still demanding to be fed. No one cares, he told it irritably, sitting up to lean against the wall. It responded with another rumble. If he could just get a decent meal, maybe this headache would go away. Oh, but he ached!

He stood and paced slowly about the room, trying to work the soreness out of his muscles, but it remained. He stopped and stared at the doorway. Maybe it was time he tried his luck. He couldn't be too much more uncomfortable than he was already... He licked his lip and stepped toward it, but something deep within him rebelled and he halted. What, really, could he accomplish?

You're a coward, he thought bitterly. You won't even try. He returned to the wall and sagged to the floor, closing his eyes. Some hero.

He put his head down in his arms, not fighting the tears that came passively, silently. He had nothing to do, nothing to look at, nothing even to think about that did not bring pain - friends and home that he would never see again, the incomprehensible fate that had befallen him, and the inescapable fate yet to come.

He sighed and rose, pacing slowly. Four steps, turn, four steps, turn... Yavin would not be along for a good while yet, but he found himself disliking him now anyway. He would be something to look at, a change at least, and for his hunger he wished he would come. But what he was sickened him, and his silent oblivion made Arion feel still more alone.

He stared at the commode, because it had a shape. He exercised, working most of the ache out of his muscles. He scratched, trying unsuccessfully to rid himself of the increasing itch. He played with the zipper of his jacket. He stared at his feet, mentally comparing the length of his toes...

Moments crept into minutes, minutes crawled into moments, and time foundered, refusing to pass. He named his cell the marshmallow room - smooth, textureless walls, rounded, shapeless, seamless, it had no edges.

Except the doorway, which caught his gaze again and again. The mystic portal he could not traverse, the entryway through which his doom would come. Like a magic floating outline... Huge, threatening, hovering in front of him. A gigantic mouth coming to swallow him alive, jagged teeth that dripped with blood...

Arion cried out in horror, hitting the back wall with his shoulder, scrambling against it, trying desperately to get away, searching for the way out that wasn't there. He spun back around to face - the doorway. Empty. Normal.

He slid down the wall and sat, breathing hard in short, ragged gasps. "Aviel," he whispered, holding onto himself. Even now he found it difficult to escape the sensation that the teeth were about to sink into him. He had to get out, that was obvious. But not just yet. He couldn't go through that doorway just yet...

For quite some time he simply sat, unmoving, head in his arms. At last he rose, sensing that mealtime would be sometime soon. He would have to wait until later to try the doorway, and he found this a shameful relief. He paced slowly, waiting.

Footsteps came as he knew they would, but they were heavy. He felt suddenly unprepared, utterly exposed. He had waited too long. He backed against the wall, unable to hide.

The venator appeared, carrying a dinnertray. "Take it easy," it said soothingly. "No one's going to hurt you."

Arion lifted his chin slightly, annoyed that he had allowed it to see his fear. "Yeah, right."

"No one's going to hurt you."

"Too late," he answered coldly. "Now I'm just waiting to get eaten."

"No one's going to eat you."

Arion snorted a laugh. "At least not today, huh?" He did relax slightly however as he placed the voice - the homologist.

"No, I mean it," it said gently, bringing the dinnertray closer. "Relax. No one's going to eat you."

He sat down then, suddenly weak, trying to appear casual. "Put your feet up! Cup of coffee?" He smiled in spite of himself. "Had your dinner already, huh?" He did seem to be safe for the moment, and it was, oh, so good to hear another voice!

"I've been granted permission to study you," it explained. "No one will eat you, today or any day. You are safe."

"Ah-h," Arion laughed guardedly. "Define safe. And what exactly do you mean by study?" He accepted the tray and began to eat hungrily.

"Watching you. Talking to you. That sort of thing."

Sharsa. That was its name. "Pumping drugs into me?"

"No, none of that. That was not my doing, and it won't happen again."

"Oh? And whose was it?"

"Deerta. The fellow who questioned you. He won't bother you again."

"What makes you so sure of that? The Rikshastika has first say in everything, don't they?"

"Well, yes, but he has his answers already."

"Such as? And what happens when they're not there?"

"Sharsa smiled then. "You told him you didn't know."

Arion relaxed more fully. "I told him that without the injection. Or the beating."

"Yes," he agreed with what seemed for the world like an apologetic smile. "It seems they've found that humans under pressure will frequently offer new information in lieu of what they cannot provide."

He gave a short laugh. "In other words, he knew I couldn't I tell him all along."

"Yes."

"And if I had given him a course?"

"Well, you're getting out of my league now, but the drug would have been given regardless, if that's what you mean. They are very thorough."

"I see." He paused, chewing, his thoughts tentatively following the will-o-the-wisp hope it had dangled before him. "So when do we start this studying bit?"

"Oh, we already have. We're doing it now," it assured him brightly, smiling warmly.

Arion's face fell. "In here? You're going to keep me in here?"

"Well, yes," it answered hesitantly, taken aback. "It's secure you see. It was one of the conditions I was given. I had quite a fight getting rights to you," it continued more smoothly, proud of itself.

Arion slumped against the wall, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. "Oh Aviel," he whispered, pleading. ...Aviel...

It sat down, next to the door, and Arion opened his eyes, following its movement. It looked at him curiously, watching him. "You will live..."

Arion laughed bitterly. "Wonderful."

It looked confused. "You will live," it repeated gently. "You won't die, but you're afraid. Why?"

"...Dying has a tendency to be uncomfortable," he answered slowly, staring at his food, "but living can be uncomfortable too. At least dying doesn't last very long."

"Arion, I'm not going to hurt you."

He looked at the creamy tan walls and gave a pained laugh. "Too late..."

It gazed levelly at him, then dismissed it. "What does aviel mean?"

Arion looked up slowly. He sighed then, carefully tucking his desperation away. He had said too much already. "It's a name for God. We have lots of names for God."

"But there is only one God," it protested mildly.

"Yeah. One God, lots of names."

"Why?"

Arion smiled slightly to himself and shrugged. It happened to be one of his favorite subjects. "I guess because He's too important to have just one. He has lots of different children, so He has lots of different names. Each name means something, says something about Him. No single name could say it all."

"Such as? What does Aviel mean?" it asked, pursuing the obvious improvement.

Arion smiled more fully at him, realizing easily that he was being led, but it didn't matter. It was a safe subject, a good subject, and it was still an incredible relief to talk to someone. Even a venator. "Well, Aviel means 'God my father.' Then there's Avidan, which is similar, but it means 'God is wisdom and justice.' And Avigdor means 'father protector.' There are others."

"Do you know them?"

"Oh, not all of them! Like I said, there's a lot. There's Janus, 'God of the Ending, God of the Beginning.' It's kind of like alpha and omega, but some translations give it as 'the gatekeeper.' And.. Apollo. Only that one doesn't really translate very well. It basically conveys the feeling of.. well, God's Spirit in music and poetry." He shook his head. "There are lots of others."

"Mm. Father protector... What does that mean?"

"He's our Father and He protects us."

"From what?"

A short, hard sigh of a laugh and he smiled, recognizing that he meant God hadn't protected him. "Vampat, He protects our souls. But you wouldn't understand that."

"Explain it to me?" he asked innocently, without offense.

Arion leaned back against the wall again, surprised and encouraged by its easy going interest. "Okay. What happens to my body is up to me. I got captured; well, too bad for me, but in the long run it's all right because God will take care of my soul."

"Your body doesn't matter?"

"Well, yeah, it matters too, but the soul is more important."

"What does he do with it? Your soul."

"Protects it. Comforts it."

"How does he do that?"

He laughed slightly, unsure how to answer. "He lets me know He's there. When I'm scared, I can feel for Him, and He's there... I don't really know how to explain it."

"Is he helping it now?"

Arion smiled. "Yeah. I'd say He's why I'm sitting here smiling and talking instead of going nuts."

"So he makes you feel better."

"Among other things, yeah."

"What other things?"

"He keeps my soul safe. He doesn't just make me feel better, He keeps my soul safe. No one can hurt it. That's why it's more important than my body. My body is what I live in, but my soul is who I am."

"I see. But... I'm not trying to be difficult, but if he's making you feel better, and keeping your soul safe, why are you, or were you, so scared?"

"...Just because my soul is safe doesn't mean I don't care what happens to my body while I'm still alive. Like I said, God takes care of my soul, but it's up to me to take care of my body. If you've noticed, I'm not dead yet."

"You sound as if you'd rather die than live."

He laughed slightly, grimacing. "Not really. It's more like I just want to get it over with."

"And what happens to your soul when you die?"

"Goes home to be with God."

"Where?"

He smiled. Going to remind me of all the important things while You're at it, huh? Thank You. "We have lots of names for that too. Marden, Jamalim, Merripen, Kailani... Lots of them."

"And do they all have meanings?"

"Sure. That's what a name's for. Jamalim means 'flawless beauty' and Merripen is an old, old name that means both 'life' and 'death.' Kailani means 'heavenly ocean' or 'endless sea.' And Marden means 'sheltered sea.'"

"So it's some kind of ocean?"

"Well, no. We don't really know what it's like there. People tend to think of it in terms of things they like here. I grew up next to the ocean, and I love wide, open spaces, so I tend to think of it like that, and those are the names I remember best. God is infinite, so I figure home would be too."

"What do you do there?"

He laughed softly. "I couldn't say. He never really told us. I think it's beyond our understanding. How can an eagle explain to a caterpillar what it will be like to fly?"

"And humans are the only ones allowed to go there?"

"No," he said, frowning, surprised by the question. "Like I said before, God has many children... But they don't eat each other," he added, remembering who he was talking to.

"Meaning venators aren't included," it clarified, but its tone remained conversational, uninsulted.

Arion, however, was remembering his hate. Yet he didn't want to make it angry, to make it leave. And then again, he wanted very much to make it angry, to take from it its calm assurance... "We don't eat each other, vampat."

"Vampat. That has a meaning too?"

"Yeah," he agreed, his voice cold. "It means you have no soul."

It nodded. "Well, it's time for me to go. We'll talk some more tomorrow." It stood and Arion rose with him, not wanting him to go, unwilling to ask him to stay. It picked up the empty tray and turned, walking out the door. As it did so, Arion dashed out.